FUN STUFF: NAVY JOKES

From: Al (Cookie) Moore:

Mobile Riverine Force Association (MRFA)

You remember them... Those ton and a half monsters that took the annual production of thirty-five sheep to make. Those thick black rascals with black plastic buttons the size of poker chips. The issue coats that drove shore duty chief petty officers stark raving nuts if they caught you with the collar turned up or your gahdam hands in your pockets.
"Hey, you rubber sock, get those gahdam hands outta them damn pockets! Didn't they issue you black leather gloves?"

So, you took your hands out of your pockets and risked digital frostbite rather than face whatever the Navy had in store for violators of the 'No Gahdam Hands In Peacoat Pockets' policy. There's probably a special barracks in Hell full of old E-3s caught hitchiking in sub-zero weather with hands in peacoat pockets.
As for those leather gloves, one glove always went missing.
"Son, where in th' hell are the gloves we issued you?"
We??? I don't remember this nasty, ugly bastard being at Great Lakes when the 'jocks and socks' petty officers were throwing my initial issue seabag at me and yelling, "Move it!!"
As for the gloves, once you inadvertantly leave one glove on a whorehouse night table or on the seat of a Grayhound bus, the remaining glove is only useful if a tank rolls over the hand that fit the lost glove.
In the days long ago, a navy spec. peacoat weighed about the same as a flat car load of cinder blocks. When it rained, it absorbed water until your spine warped, your shins cracked and your ankles split. Five minutes standing in the rain waiting on a bus and you felt like you were piggy-backing the statue of liberty.
When a peacoat got wet, it smelled a lot like sheep dip. It had that wet wool smell, times three. It weighed three and a half tons and smelled like 'Mary had a little lamb's' gym shorts.
You know how damn heavy a late '50s peacoat was? Well, they had little metal chains sewn in the back of the collar to hang them up by. Like diluted navy coffee, sexual sensitivity instruction, comfortable air-conditioned topside security bungalows, patent leather plastic-looking shoes and wearing raghats configured to look like bidet bowls, the peacoat spec. has been watered down to the point you could hang them up with dental floss. In the old days, peacoat buttons and grocery cart wheels were interchangeable parts. The gear issued by the U.S. Navy was tough as hell, bluejacket-tested clothing with the durability of rino hide and construction equipment tires.
Peacoats came with wide, heavy collars. In a cold, hard wind, you could turn that wide collar up to cover your neck and it was like poking your head in a tank turret.
The things were warm, but I never thought they were long enough. Standing out in the wind in those 'big-legged britches' (bell bottoms), the wind whistled up your cuffs and took away body warmth like a thief.
But, they were perfect to pull over you for a blanket when sleeping on a bus or a bus terminal bench.
Every sailor remembers stretching out on one of those oak bus station pews with his raghat over his face, his head up against his AWOL bag and covered with his peacoat. There was always some 'SP' who had not fully evolved from apehood, who poked you with his billy bat and said,
"Hey, YOU!! Get up! Waddya think yer doin? You wanna sleep, get a gahdam room!"
Peacoats were lined with quilted satin or rayon. I never realized it at the time, but sleeping on bus seats and station benches would be the closest I would ever get to sleeping on satin sheets.
Early in my naval career, a career-hardened (lifer) first class gunner's mate told me to put my ID and liberty card in the inside pocket of my peacoat.
"Put the sonuvabitches in that gahdam inside pocket and pin the damn thing closed with a diaper pin. Then, take your heavy folding money and put it in your sock. If you do that, learn to never take your socks off in a cathouse. Them damn dockside pickpockets pat 'cha down for a  mpy wallet and they can relieve you of said wallet so fast you'll never know you've been snookered.
Only a dumbass idiot will clam-fold his wallet and tuck it in his thirteen button bellbottoms. Every kid above the age of six in Italy knows how to lift a wallet an idiot pokes in his pants. Those little bastards leard to pick sailor's pockets in kindergarten.
Rolling bluejackets is the national sport in Italy."
In WashingtonDC, they have a wonderful marble and granite plaza honoring the United States Navy. Every man or woman who served this nation in a naval uniform, owes it to himself or herself to visit this memorial and take their families.
It honors all naval service and any red-blooded American bluejacket or officer will feel the gentle warmth of pride his or her service is honored within this truly magical place.
The focal point of this memorial is a bronze statue of a lone American sailor. No crow on his sleeve tells you that he is non-rated. And, there are further indications that suggest maybe, once upon a time, the sculpturer himself may have once been an E-3 raghat.
The lad has his collar turned up and his hands in his pockets.
I'm sure the Goddess of the Main Induction nearly wets her panties laughing at the old, crusty chiefs standing there with veins popping out on their old, wrinkled necks, muttering,
"Look at that idiot sonuvabitch standing there with his collar up and his gahdam hands in his pockets. In my day, I would have ripped that jerk a new one!"
Ah, the satisfied glow of E-3 revenge.
Peacoats... One of God's better inventions.

The Amazing Chief:
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process.
A sign read: Don't Miss “The Amazing Tugboat Chief". 
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.  There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Retired Chief (Boatswains Mate).
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!  The crowd erupted in 

applause as the elderly Chief was 
carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the 
salesman visited the same little town and saw the
Faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Tugboat Chief".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing
his act!  He bought a ticket.  Again, the center ring was illuminated.  
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The old Chief stood before them, then suddenly drops his pants and
smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. 
The crowd was flabbergasted; the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the old Chief.  "But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Chief, "My eyes ain't what they used to be!" 

Chinese in 5 Minutes… this is REALLY funny!!!!

Read very carefully.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes. (You MUST read them out
loud)
1) That is not right.........................Sum Ting
Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............Hu Yu
Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia
Nao
4) Stupid Man................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse...............................Tai Ni
Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?..................Wai Yu
So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table..............Ai Bang
Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift..............Chin Tu
Fat
9) It is very dark in here...................Wa So
Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu
Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone................No Pah
King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu
Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.....................Lei Ying
Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile............Wa Shing
Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive..............Yu Stin
Ki Pu
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah

CPO's Prayer

Dear Lord:
So far today, God, I have lived my life as you would intend. I haven't lost my temper. 
I haven't screamed at anyone.
So far I have not even grabbed the Chief's Mess Cook by the throat, like yesterday.
I have said nothing insulting or humiliating to any of the junior officers.
I haven't bitched about the coffee, the ship's schedule, the watch bill or Saturday's Personnel Inspection.
I have told no lies.  I have not cheated at poker.
I have put no ship's tools in my personal toolbox.
In short God, I believe that so far today I have committed no grievous sins.
Thank you, God, for helping me to stay righteous so far.
But Lord, it's almost 0600 and in a little while I'm going to roll out of my bunk.
After that I think I will need a lot more help.
Amen
Author unknown:

Fighter Jocks...

Q:    How can you tell if there's a fighter pilot at your party?

A:    He'll tell you.
Q:    How can you tell when your date with a fighter pilot is half over?

A:    He says, "But enough about me...  Wanna hear about my plane?"
Q:    What's the difference between a jet engine and a fighter pilot?

A:    A jet engine will stop whining when you shut the plane down.